Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Twelve Predictions For 2012 (Part 1)

1. Because Republicans seemingly don't want to nominate Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich or any other current candidate, Speaker of the House John Boehner will link all upcoming votes about raising the debt ceiling to a constitutional amendment allowing 21-year olds to serve as President.  A brokered Republican convention will then nominate Tim Tebow who will unite the Republican base with a campaign pledge to use Tebowing as an enhanced interrogation technique.

Tebow will narrowly lose to Barack Obama because the Supreme Court will reject Republican claims that a Mike Prater 59-yard field goal should count as electoral votes.

2. Justice Anthony Kennedy will become the first documented case of spontaneous human combustion when he bursts into flames while trying to decide which way to vote on health care reform cases brought before the Supreme Court.

3. Joe Biden will resign as Vice President.  Democrats will create a reality show combining the worst parts of Survivor, American Idol, and Jersey Shore to determine his replacement.  South Dakota state senator Frank Kloucek will be one of the contestants.

4. The NBC, CBS, and ABC television networks will merge.  No one will notice.

5. South Dakota Democrats will field no legislative candidates in 2012,  South Dakota Republicans will win every seat in the legislature and immediately complain of being a persecuted minority.

6. Eminem and Carrie Underwood will release an acoustic opera album featuring electric auto-harp accompaniment.

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