Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Some Snarky Predictions About How The South Dakota Political Landscape Will Look On June 4, 2014 And Beyond

1. Governor Dennis Daugaard will conduct a purge of all GOP county chairs in counties where he did not defeat Lora Hubbel with at least 88% of the vote. Speculation will surface that Daugaard lost money betting the Vegas over/under on this race. South Dakota Attorney General Marty Jackley will not investigate charges of illegal gambling.

2. Larry Rhoden will endorse Mike Rounds for United States Senate. Rounds and Rhoden will appear together in several commercials. The most scintillating commercial will feature the two men silently watching grass grow for 30 seconds.

3. Stace Nelson, Gordon Howie, and their new Iowa friend, Ken Crow, will begin Howie's quixotic campaign against Rounds. Blog speculation will run rampant as to who will join them to form a quartet to produce a campaign ad that features "To Dream the Impossible Dream," the most memorable song from The Man from La Mancha. The ad will also feature Lora Hubbel as Dulcinea.

4. Mike Rounds will attempt to buy good karma by investing heavily in DuPont, the parent company of both Teflon and Kevlar. (Being metaphorically slime proof and  bullet proof is every politician's dream.)

5.Annette Bosworth will run helphealhunger.org from Haiti until all potential statues of limitations have expired.

6. Rick Weiland will revisit every town in South Dakota. He will serve kuchen, South Dakota's official dessert, instead of pie to forestall Republican charges that he lacks South Dakota values.

7. South Dakota Democrats will hold a coin flip to determine the winner of the Joe Lowe vs Susan Wismer race after the election ends in an absolute tie. Wismer will call heads. The coin will land edges up in a crack in the floor.

8. A new poll will reveal that 57.3% of South Dakotans believe Larry Pressler died in 2007.

9. Independent candidate Mike Myers will get his 15 minutes of fame when Mike Myers of Saturday Night Live fame appears on YouTube telling South Dakota's Myers to "Party On!" while the candidate does push ups. Ironically, the cameo will destroy the Independent's candidacy because no one under 35 will understand the reference.

10. Secretary of State Jason Gant will forget to put the United States House of Representatives election on the ballot. The oversight won't be noticed until after the November election.


ksantema said...

Its ironic you mention #8. Last week I had to show proof to someone that Pressler was still alive and running for a Senate seat. He thought Pressler died a couple years ago around the same time as Abdnor.

Kal Lis said...

I guess I should have upped my fake poll percentage.

By the way, if I didn't stop by your blog and say it there, good work on covering Dem governor candidates.