Monday, January 2, 2017

2017 Political Predictions: South Dakota Politics Edition

I suppose I should start the year by resolving to return to regular posting, but I would prefer to make resolutions that I can keep. Instead, I offer the following humble predictions for the upcoming legislative session.

1. More time will be spent discussing bathrooms than the budget. There's a 27% chance that the solution will be to close down every indoor school bathroom and construct single hole outhouses near every school building. In that eventuality, the student to outhouse ratio will likely be 14.5 to 1.

2. The number of resolutions using the following format will increase over last session.
Whereas: We, the sponsors of this legislation, are supporters of all that is right, holy, just, not to mention fair, And
Whereas: We, the sponsors of this legislation, are supported by God, angels, and cute puppies, And
Whereas: Those who oppose this legislation are obviously unholy, godless heathens who don't deserve to be considered Americans.
Now, Therefore Be It Resolved: That everything the sponsors of this legislation do or say or propose be viewed as good until the end of time.
And Be It Further Resolved: Everything that those who oppose this resolution do or say or propose be viewed as abhorrently evil and an existential threat to the American Republic.
3. Governor Dennis Daugaard will not formally endorse the Republican he favors to succeed him. The two, however, will develop a secret handshake.

4. With Bob Mercer being MIA, there's a 41 percent chance more than half of South Dakotans will forget the legislative session is occurring.

5. Most legislation that passes will be partially plagiarized from sample legislation provided by lobbyists.

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